Walking into Failure

What a sad and depressing title, right. I promise you that it will not be either of those, but hopefully it will be inspiring. I would like to think that I have masterfully completed each task that I have set out to do. Truth be told, I have not and I am totally ok with that. Looking back at where my life has taken me... I am truly blown away. I would have never imagined that I would travel to 48 different countries, 4 different continents and live in 3 different countries. Graduating High School my main goal was to go to college and get my degree. Not finishing college is my #1 failure that I walked myself into and did not accomplish. I am totally ok with that. I decided to join the Air Force 4 months out of High School and see where that venture would take me. I learned so much about myself, this world and exactly where I wanted to put my life path on. My main goal after the Air Force and getting married was to start a family. So obvi, that is what I did. Mason was a dream baby, so sweet and just what I imagined having a kid would be!

When you look at this photo, what do you see? It was a moment I was planning on compartmentalizing like I do with most other things in life that just hurt too much. But I didn't in this situation that happened 3 times. In my head right now I am like, 'why am I sharing this? I know so many other people that have been through way worse.' Then I tell myself, at this point in life, this was my worst moment. Some will say I am lucky and I am ok with that, because I truly am. I never knew trying to carry a child in my womb would end up with me walking into failure and at that time I was not ok with it. I was always so mindful to take care of my body and I figured it would take care of me. Going through my miscarriages has taught me to hold on a little tighter to those little souls that are here with me on earth. If I could go back I would hold my hand, whisper in my ear and say...you got this. Don't fret so much, slow down and live in the moment that GOD has given you. I think about that now, raising my children in this exact moment. Open your eyes Randalyn, look at those beautiful faces that love you unconditionally. Slow down Randalyn, get off your phone, go play and read to your babies. Be that mom that you have always wanted to be, don't get lost in the shuffle. Forgive and let go of those that have intentionally hurt you. Stop compartmentalizing and let yourself go through the healing process. I can already tell that blogging will rip me to the core, open wounds that I forgot were there. This is exactly why I am scared. What do I share? How much of it do I share? How do I explain what I felt in that moment or what I feel now? I guess I will just learn as I go...walk myself into this failure and make it my own. Because I will always try, even if I know there is a huge chance I will fail in the end. I want those life experiences, I want to live and learn. I want to pick myself up after that failure and try again. Find new angles and pathways that I have yet to venture. I have an amazing husband that will never let me get too far off the path, children that keep me grounded and give me a purpose and friends that are ride or die and there for me when I am at my worst and love me anyways.